A month ago, I jumped on the scales and almost cried. 16stone 11lbs was staring back at me. Fuck. 
 
This is the heaviest I have EVER been. 
 
Instantly my brain flicked a switch and asked me; 
 
1) How did we get here? 
2) Was it worth it? 
 
Truth was, it was worth it. The last 18 months has probably been the hardest year of my life so far. So many heart breaking moments and situations, so many changes, so many negative outcomes. 
 
I've literally gone from suicidal thoughts and self harming to being the happiest I've been in a long time. I'd used food as emotional support, a comfort blanket and a replacement for smoking. 
 
Food helped me quit smoking - cold turkey. To me this is a plus. I'm now over 10 months 'clean' apart from one slip up where habit took over and before I knew it I was sitting on the back door step with my friend like the good old days. 
 
I'm now in a situation where I don't have to use food as a cigarette replacement and my cravings are gone. I'm now clearer in my mind set so NOW is the time to focus on my weight. 
 
My life has flipped reversed over the last 12 months and now I'm happier than ever. I don't look in the mirror and think Urgh! I look in the mirror and think 'That body has been on a journey'. The same body that has always been there for me. The body I've neglected but still has my back. I don't hate my body. Yes, it's larger than it medically should be and it's not "ideal" by societies standards but it keeps working for me and that's good enough. 
 
I do intend to lighten the load for my own mental and physical health. In fact, I've lost over 10lbs in the last 3 weeks by using the Fit As Fork method. I don't look in the mirror and see fat anymore. I look in the mirror and see armour. Armour that has expanded to protect me during the hardest year of my life. Armour that is sexy. Because I am. I'm beautiful and I'm sexy, whatever the doctor or society says. 
 
But now it's time to take the armour off. Wearing armour forever will only make me exhausted. There's a whole load of beauty and sexy behind the armour too. 
 
Have you been wearing your armour too long? 
Until next time, 
 
Dee x 
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